On hold with EdFinancial 11/16/2021 at 4:20pm
I hear people complain that companies play the most irritating hold music so that you, their endearing and beloved customer, will simply rage quit from the indignity of waiting 37 minutes while listening to pan flute jazz. This is a conspiracy that might hold water if it weren’t for the overwhelming feeling that a corporation, at its core, just doesn’t give a shit about you. The department that would make these decisions has a tagline at the bottom of their Outlook emails stating “It’s our mission everyday to create memorable client interaction opportunities.” Sure there are probably small businesses that really try to take care of their customers because you are all they have, but I’d be impressed if most even know how to change the hold music selection. The hard truth is that most of the time, we listen to hold music because we have to not because we have the power to “take our business elsewhere.”
Listen here Comcast, if you don’t keep me on your introductory rate I’ll be getting my internet service from HughesNet from now on. I have a clear view of the southern sky which mean I have choices. Yes I’ll add a landline to my service for only $11.99. We are the callers, they don’t need us and if they did then there wouldn’t be a need for hold music in the first place. Its not that companies hate us as customers, they just don’t really care that much about what we think. This hold song makes me question all of that because it is aggressively bad.
This song reminds me of the joyless optimism of Rascal Flatts singing “Life is a Highway.” Of the kid who is only allowed to listen to Christian rock, but his parents bought him the Cars soundtrack and now he listens to Gary LeVox opining about life’s twisting roads while in his 2nd floor bedroom of a house built in the gluttonous exuberance of 2005. The upstairs bedrooms have a balcony overlooking the downstairs living room so when you have the neighbors over your husband can run upstairs for something and then casually reenter the conversation from 14 feet above your heads.
The guitar repeatedly strums three chords opening into an occasional finger plucking riff that has the same feeling as your boss starting a meeting with a “word for the day.” When I say this song goes no where, I mean its a lazy river placed inside of a Alexander Payne movie. Every twist or turn is really just the sad reality of a circular lifestyle disguised as emotional growth, repeating the same mostly benign unhealthy habits under the banner of a new and different morning supplement each day. What’s worse is the sound quality noticeably drops off halfway through and it cuts in and out like you’re pulling your ear in and out of the tin can music box this song lives in. At around the 3 minute mark, we are lured into a quiet repose which is immediately assaulted by a non-loudness-normalized drum heavy exchange that bleeds effortlessly into the same tired guitar.
This song is your blank face staring forward in the grocery line as the person in front of you insists on triple bagging their groceries. A child nearby pulled out the check signing table and clings to it while repeating the jingle from a local insurance commercial heard on the radio this morning while riding in the family’s Chrysler Town & Country. You’ve had your eye on the Pacifica but used car prices got out of hand this year so the old T and C will need to do until the semiconductor supply chain gets worked out. My favorite part of this hold song is at the start it said
“the current hold time is . … .. …..minutes.”
. ……… ……. ……………… … THREE
My student loan servicer is changing from one company to another so I had to call to set up the new account and listen to this work of art. Nothing makes me feel more valued than being traded like a public bond from one investor to another, but that’s kind of what happened. My old servicer didn’t renew its federal contract with the education department so now I’m an EdFinancial boy. When I called my previous servicer, I was never once put on hold which all things considered, is a disappointment to us all.
If you or a loved one has a hold music story to share, email us at: holdmusicreview@gmail.com
Hold Music Reviews 